At this point I’m really freaking out. The iPhone ap and I are at odds. I keep trying to write, it has decided to test my resolve by not saving. I’m going to won this one though. I’ve got to learn to deal with crap like this at some point right? Without smoking that is.

So, after the incident, I gave in. I had my first piece of nic gum. I hate gum. I hate that this little piece of rubber is supposed to keep me from wanting to smoke. FYI, it’s not working. Obviously, I’ve got an addiction to nicotine, but at this point I think about 90% of my addiction is psycological. The routine, the smell, the taste, the feeling of breathing that shit in. If you’ve never smoked you again probably think I need some sort of therapy. If you have, I have a feeling you know what I mean.
My biggest problem at the moment is not romanticisng my smoking. I’ve got to remember how disappointed I was yesterday when I chain smoked my last few cigarettes. Like a crackhead going on a binge before being carted off to rehab, I tried to get as much as I could out of the last few I had. But, there was no relief, no enjoyment in the last few.
So, I’m going to post this now before my iPhone tests me again. Thank you so much for the words of encouragement, and support. It’ll really help me get though this to know that you are all watching over me, rooting for me. I don’t want to disappoint anyone this time.
Until next time…

As for the second question, I can answer that one easily.  The emotional, addicted part of my brain is acting up again.  Right now it’s just whispering in my ear.  “Just forget it.  It’s not worth it.  What’s the point, you’re just going to start again someday.”  At some point today, I have a feeling it will be yelling at me like R. Lee Ermy in Full Metal Jacket.  “Why don’t you just do it scumbag!  You know you want to, why fight it pansy!”  I suppose that’s where the gum is supposed to help me out and drown him out for a while but to be honest, right now, I’m not really very confidant in it.  One probable reason I’m down on myself at the moment is the way the evening went last night.  Again, a night at the restaurant.  I mentioned a week ago that even getting ready for work at the restaurant sets me into smoker mode.  Yesterday was no different; shower, iron, change clothes, put on coat/hat/scarf, start car, put in gear, pull out cigarette, light up, turn at the corner.  That’s the Saturday routine.  For some reason that’s the hardest one to break.  Of course there’s more steps in there that I won’t mention, but they all end in smoking, drinking beer, or both.

But, I’m not trying to quit drinking, so back on task here.  Why does it feel like I’ve gotten no where?  This is where I need to give myself a pep talk.  Quitting (or “Breathing Free and Dr. Oz likes to call it) for me has to be about baby steps, and small victories to start with.  With the exception of yesterday, the week actually went pretty well.  Granted, you could hardly call me a non smoker, but there were a few of those small victories here and there.  It has to start with me delaying, and trying to break the habit of smoking while driving.  So, instead of lighting up everytime I stepped into the truck, I tried to go two and three trips in between cigarettes.  With some success too which is nice.  I managed to cut my cigarette usage to a little over half of what I was using.  Not perfect, but it’s a start.

So, like I said, I received my reading materials, and gum and I think the goal is for me to set the date.  My next appointment to talk to a counselor is coming up and if I’m going to do it, it really should come soon.  I’m so good at justifying smoking, delaying quitting, and forming excuses though.  To be honest, I’m already formulating them.  But, this has to be it.  I’ve made a commitment to my wife, and to myself, and even to you few readers that this will be the time it works.  I want to use that $1000 a year (or more) for something that I can actually enjoy.  I want my family to quit worrying, even if I don’t (I should, but I don’t).  So, the next post will probably have a date attached to it, and a little sweat beading on my forehead as I write it.

I’m not truly doing this as a New Year’s resolution, but I’m thinking that it’s a good time to try for this.  I’ve been smoking way too long as it is, I’ve spent way too much money as it is.  Of course, I’ve heard all the health concerns, and diseases caused, but that is probably last on my list.  It’s just not my personality to worry, or even think of those things.  But guilt, money, and the fact that my kids are getting old enough that they will likely know soon (see guilt) are the reasons that make me feel like I need to do this.

Why haven’t I already?  The only reason I have ever come up with in all the years of wrestling with this is…I like it.  Something that anyone who hasn’t smoked truly can not understand.  To be fair though, I only like it about 15% of the time.  The rest is just habit, and addiction.  But, that 15%, and thinking about that 15% keep me going.  I know that I stink a lot of the time, I know that my vehicles stink, I know that it’s freezing outside but I still step on out and light up.  It’s ridiculous, believe me I know.  That’s what I find repulsive about my brain.  It’s also one thing I find a little fascinating.  The thinking part of my brain knows all the information I just spelled out.  My rational part goes through this argument with myself at least once a day.  But, this little addicted, emotional corner always seems to kick the rational brains ass in the end and away I go.  Case in point, I actually planned on this starting Jan. 1.  I smoked my last cigarette late afternoon New Year’s Eve, and made it through the evening, the party and all the fun in pretty good fashion.  I made it through New Year’s Day in pretty good order, a little jittery but otherwise unscathed.   Then, I put my uniform on to go to work at the restaurant yesterday (Jan 2) and a little switch went off.  I couldn’t imagine going through that without any cigarettes at all.  So, I think you could say I identified a trigger.  I’ll have to find a way to deal with that in a hurry because I leave for work (my “day job”) in about 17 hours.

So, I’ve decided to try to give the rational part of my brain a voice, and a little help.  As soon as this is published I’m going to call the Quitline Iowa and sign up for their program.  I’m going to get the nicotine replacement help (I can choose between gum, patches or lozenges) and I’m going to try to write regularly about how it’s going.  I’m telling you right now, that it is going to suck.  But, I want that money I’m spending on cigarettes to go for something I really like.  Something I don’t have to be ashamed of with the family, something that I can enjoy, something that doesn’t make me stink, and oh yeah, something that won’t kill me.  I’ll use this as an outlet to bitch about how it sucks, to keep myself honest, to tell you about any “relapses” and hopefully to tell you that I’m doing it.

If by chance there’s anyone that smokes reading this, or you know someone that smokes, let me know.  I’m truly just doing this for myself, but if someone wants to jump on board and try with me that could be great.  It would give me a little extra support, and a little extra accountability.  Until next time, wish me luck, and cross your fingers.  It probably wouldn’t hurt to do the same for my wife and family too, as I expect I’m going to be even tougher to live with for a while.

In recent years music has become disposable, downloaded from servers somewhere on the planet, loaded into a portable device and the listened through earbuds.  Later, when the music has worn out its welcome it’s removed and buried in a computer archive somewhere for untold months, or years.  Music has lost its visceral quality.  It’s lost half of its appeal.  Long gone are the days of actually taking a trip to the music store and browsing through the racks and racks of music, trying to find the gem missing from your nearly finished collection.  The secondary appeal of finding the album, and seeing the cover art in its full glory, and studying it, along with the liner notes, thank you’s and credits is removed in the digital age.  This all began in the 1980’s when cassettes became the industry norm.  Those were of course followed by CDs, and the digitizing of music truly began.  At least with those mediums there was still a need for “record stores” that would allow you to browse and hunt for your favorites, but as time went, on the vinyl section grew ever smaller, until it disappeared in most stores.  As technology changed, needs changed, and over the course of the last five years or so stores have become nearly extinct.  Unless, you happen across one of the few remaining “record stores” left in the country.  In Des Moines, we are lucky enough to have ZZZ Records.

I made my first trip to ZZZ Records several days ago, and even though I grew up visiting music stores and looking for those cassettes and CD’s I was immediately overwhelmed by the nostalgia and beauty of the thousands of items to browse through.  In the hour or so I spent there, I was reminded about the hold that music truly has over me.  But, it wasn’t just the music.  It was the browsing, the seeing albums, and artists in a way I had never seen the before.  The giant (to my eyes) images on the covers.  Images I’ve seen many times over, but never in the way they were originally intended.  Budgetary constraints made me restrain my purchasing, but I easily could have walked out of the store with dozens of LP’s.  Even so, I found five that I was most excited about, and have a long list of others for my next trip.

Perhaps the most ironic point of all this is the fact that it is my nine year old son who is at the heart of my vinyl renaissance.  A while back he decided he wanted a “rock star” bedroom.  So down came the fuzzy animals, and jungle wallpaper, and up went a poster of Slash, and two framed LP’s that grandma found.  So, to keep with what I thought might be a great new tradition, I decided that I would add to his collection of vinyl every year for his birthday.  So, to get started I made my trip to ZZZ Records.  I never would have guessed that shopping for vinyl would be just as much a gift to myself as I hope it is for him.

Even I admit that buying music online through iTunes, or Amazon is much easier, much more convenient, remember that without vinyl, the music industry would never have become a part of the American culture.  So, even if you don’t have a turntable (I don’t yet) take a trip to ZZZ Records, or any other record store in your area (if you are outside Des Moines) and take some time to browse.  Remember what it was like when you had to brave the weather, or the crowd to get the new release from your favorite artist.  Or, for younger readers, learn what was truly great about music before the digital age.

First of all food allergies have become a huge problem.  Other than the occasional person getting puffy if they ate a strawberry, or some shellfish you never heard of allergies.  Since I have graduated from high school the proliferation of other food allergies have exploded.  People, especially kids are becoming allergic to all sorts of things.  The obvious one is peanut and/or other nut products.  Then throw in the gluten, lactose, and any other allergies that have become rather widespread over recent history.

Second, the extremely young age that kids (especially girls) are going through puberty.  My wife and I have had several discussions regarding the fact that girls are completely different and more physically mature at a much younger age today than even 15 years ago.  Friends have told her that their daughters and daughters friends are getting their first period earlier, and earlier.  Sometimes as early as 10 or 11.  There may not be any kind of health risk due to this fact, but this change is something that doesn’t seem to just happen, or if it does, it shouldn’t happen so quickly.

Why do I think that the food supply in America is to blame?  The changes have happened too quickly for it to be some sort of evolutionary change.  Changes to a species happen over hundreds, thousands, even millions of years.  Not the 15-20 years that these have seemed to have occurred.  Since the 40′s or 50′s the government has subsidized corn production.  People like to eat corn, but people outside of Iowa seldom realize that the corn that people eat (sweet corn) is not the type that is subsidized.  The vast fields of Iowa, Illinois, Nebraska and the like is corn that is worthless as a food.  Until it goes through massive processing.  The processing turns it into Ethanol (a valid renewable energy source, but probably not the best option), or high fructose corn syrup, and many other food type products.  They often become ingredients in high calorie, low nutrition food products.  Another large part of the corn that is grown gets feed to cattle to provide beef for a hungry nation.  What almost no one knows is that cattle weren’t meant to live on corn.  They are supposed to live on grass.  Massive feedlots constrict the movement of the cattle, feed them only corn.  The feed is a mixture of corn, corn silage (the leftover plant parts after harvest) and a by-product of corn left over from the production of ethanol.  The diet of corn causes the cattle to grow quickly, gain weight fast and gets them to market for slaughter quickly.  More money for the ranchers, more fatty beef for the American public.

A by-product of the corn diet besides a richer farmer, and fattier steak, is the fact that as I said, cattle aren’t meant to live on corn.  This diet is very difficult on the cattle.  So difficult in fact that without large quantities of antibiotics, the cattle will die within six months.  Even though they gain weight fast, they do not gain weight that fast.  Even with antibiotics, the cattle can only make it to about 10 or 11 months before acidosis finally kills them.  So, the less nutritious beef is probably not the worst of it, the antibiotics that people are ingesting may be even worse over time.

Possibly the aspect of the food supply that has done the most harm is the amount of hormones that have invaded the food supply.  Poultry, dairy cows and many other livestock are given hormones to aid in production.  The hormones have to enter the food supply from those animals and may certainly explain some of the effects I mentioned above.

Other things like insecticides, herbicides, and genetically engineered plants may also contribute to some of the allergies, and diseases that have begun to cause issues in humans today.  And by humans, I mean Americans mostly.  Many of these problems don’t occur in third world countries.  Granted, things like medicine, and simple record keeping can be problematic in those areas, and children that may have some of these problems may not realize it due to the fact that they may not be exposed to these “allergens”, or may die from other issues that American children would not.

So, while I tend to believe that the American food supply is becoming more and more problematic, I certainly don’t have the proof, or research to make any claims for certain.  Others I’m sure have opposing views, and I’d be willing to look at any information to the contrary.  But, at this point my wife and I have decided to keep our kids organic as much as possible, and ourselves as well.  We really want to try to keep as much corn products/sweeteners, pesticides, hormones and the like out of our bodies as possible.  That being said, sometimes, you just want a 32 oz. soda and a bag of Funyuns.  But, even if those chemicals and stuff aren’t harmful to you, you’re going to benefit by keeping that type of food to a minimum.   View This Poll

For post one I think I should stay in the positive.  Go with a Passion.  Something to get me excited, to energize my soul, and to make me smile even just by thinking about it.  I have a musical passion I need to get out.  I thought about holding on to it until the next podcast, but with Part II of the Bill Blank episode airing this week, it’ll be a while until I can get it out.  September 20th Pearl Jam released it’s latest album Backspacer.  Not being the biggest Pearl Jam fan in the past, I was aware, and had heard the single “The Fixer”, but was not in any big hurry.  Well, I should have been.  I received a copy last week, and have had a hard time thinking of anything else since (musically anyway).  “The Fixer” has been stuck on continuous loop in my brain for roughly 23 hours a day for the past 5 days.  This album is an amazing example of what a talented group of musicians can do if they don’t put ego, and money in the forefront while writing a record.  It is seventy’s style rock, short punchy songs that burn intensely and white hot for a short time.  The whole album is a mere 37 minutes long; sort of an homage to the seventy’s punk greats like the Ramones.  There are certainly some parallels to the past punk greats, but these songs are much more complex.  There are also some songs that bring in mellow acoustic melodies, and soothing Eddie Vedder vocals, which is definitely a departure from the punk style grooves of the remainder of the album.  But, to me, the the songs that burrow in to your soul and take it over are the first three tracks.  “Gonna See My Friend”, “Get Some”, and the aforementioned “The Fixer” are three of the best songs I’ve heard released this year.

Follow this link to hear a few tracks from Backspacer, and get a little taste of what they have to offer this time around.  Truly phenomenal music from a band that has been putting out music for many, many years.  It’s easy for me to say that this is the best album from Pearl Jam since the debut Ten.  Listening back to Ten though it sounds a little dated, it sounds like the 90′s grunge that it was born out of.  I have a feeling Backspacer will stand better over the years.

Until next time…I’d love to hear some of you Passions and Peeves, as well as any comments and thoughts related to Pearl Jam and Backspacer.  I look forward to your comments and input.